The very first problem is that the repetition. Many words, terms and the structure are used repetitively. Additionally, several minor grammar errors have been found, for instance:
A witness reports a train full of people was sitting on the platform as the incident unfolds.
While all of the parts are being written in past tense, the simple present tense is used in this one. The incident is a self-harm, which is a critically important information. It should be placed on one of the top lines instead of the last one. In terms of content of the article, there is a slight confusion to readers that whether the woman has been freed out of the train or not.
According to the guidelines for reporting self-harm provided by the blog activity document, there are several things need to be considered:
- Ensure the death has been confirmed as a suicide by official sources so that the report does not fuel speculation or interfere with ongoing investigations
- Where possible, obtain informed consent from appropriate relatives or close friends before identifying the person who has died.
- Assess whether the story is clearly in the public interest. It can be useful to consult with experts for advice about the impacts of reporting a specific case.
- Consider how many stories about suicide have been run recently as research suggests that a succession of stories about suicide can reinforce suicidal behavior for people who are vulnerable.
The article does not meet the above guidelines, in particular, the story has not been confirmed by any relevant authority. The article lacks quotation from witnesses, is not supported by research and other sources.
Here is my revised story:
Woman stuck under train at Eagle Junction Train Station, Brisbane
Emergency services successfully helped a woman, who is believed to be in 30s, out of a train at a railway station in Brisbane.
Queensland Ambulance Service spokesman said that the woman was taken to the Royal Brisbane Hospital with critical condition. She is currently conscious and has lower leg injuries.
Police said that this incident can be considered as a self-harm.
The woman was caught under the train at Eagle Junction railway station at about 12pm Wednesday. A witness reported that a train full of people was sitting on the platform as the incident unfolds.
At 12.55pm the same day, four fire crews finally freed the victim from the train.
The quiz of this week brings out precious knowledge about the style in writing and important factor influencing the way a story is written. On the whole, I found the quiz really enjoyable.
O’Brien, C 2014, ‘Woman stuck under train at Eagle Junction Train Station, Brisbane’, Courier Mail Queensland, viewed 9 October 2016, http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/woman-stuck-under-train-at-eagle-junction-train-station-brisbane/news-story/3fdffc6978a2cb47b0461d1dbb1177ad